Laugh Like Pee-wee (2014)
Laugh Like Pee-wee 2014 was the fifth installment of the annual Laugh Like Pee-wee event, held on January 26, 2014. The show was highlighted by the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match, Brock Lesnar defending the WWE Championship against Ricardo Diaz, and Razor Ramon putting the World Heavyweight Championship on the line against Rob Van Dam. __TOC__ Background In the weeks leading up to the event, we've heard testimonies from this year's Laugh Like Pee-wee entrants. Now, with less than 48 hours to go, we head towards arguably the biggest Pee-wee in history. Everyone has at least one goal in mind, whether it's burying an entire roster, proving a career isn't off the skids, preventing a potential holiday from being established, or simply winning and headlining Diaz's Fuck Fest X. The stakes are high and the stage is set. Who will win the 2014 Laugh Like Pee-wee? The entire landscape of SvR06 changed at Dr. Meinheimer when WPW's problem eliminator became the new WWE Champion, on the same week that Walter's run as commissioner met an untimely fate. Brock made sure to point out that not only did he decimate DEFAULT's Presets to get the opportunity, but he defeated the three men immediately before competing for the belt. As Brock celebrated his accomplishment, interim commissioner Charles Barkley informed the new champion that he wouldn't tolerate his turrible actions while he's in power. Barkley said that he was disgusted at the way Lesnar refused to allow Ricardo Diaz to even get out of the box in the Ultimate Survivors match. With that, Barkley gave Diaz a WWE Championship opportunity for Laugh Like Pee-wee. Diaz graciously accepted the opportunity. However, after an incident where Brock hit the F-5 on Diaz's car with him in the vehicle, Mr. Coke began to have second thoughts. Barkley intervened by instituting a no contact clause until Pee-wee, ensuring that Lesnar could no longer torment Diaz into backing out. Instead, Diaz took advantage of this by hiring his goons to toss Brock into the trunk of his limousine and drive him down an old, gravel road. Tensions will now certainly be higher come Laugh Like Pee-wee when these two finally get the opportunity to battle it out with the title on the line. At Dr. Meinheimer, Razor Ramon endured one of the most thrilling title bouts to capture his first-ever World Heavyweight Championship. As Sheamus was the man pinned to produce this title change, Commissioner Barkley thought it would be best that Rob Van Dam receive a rematch for the belt. The Celtic Warrior was outraged by this decision, but was increasingly persuaded to let it slide when Barkley suggested that he would think Sheamus would prefer to become the first back-to-back winner of the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. The two decided early on to go into this match-up with mutual respect for one another, but when RVD's Sabu-shaped bong wound up broken and Razor's collection of toothpicks were found snapped their friendly competition turned into a war for the gold. Sheamus watched this all transpire with a sly grin on his face, for whatever reason. Nevertheless, these two combatants will square off in The Bad Guy's first title defense at Laugh Like Pee-wee. Fans on the internet went wild when reports of Andre the Giant being spotted backstage came about. Andre hadn't been seen since Macho Man Memorial Day Madness and apparently was just stopping by to reminisce about riding horses and going to brothels with Dusty Rhodes. But the elation from fans didn't sit well with the being known as Vigo the Carpathian. Despite his failed attempt to enter Dr. Meinheimer's WWE Championship match, Vigo remains undefeated and undeniably the most powerful force in SvR06. Andre initially thought nothing of Vigo's aggression. But when Vigo allegedly insinuated that Ghostbusters 2 was a more successful 80s movie than The Princess Bride, Andre was enraged. The Eighth Wonder of the World said that it may be Vigo's game, but at Laugh Like Pee-wee, he's coming for his souuuul. Will the most illustrious streak in history continue or has the Carpathian finally met his match? At Dr. Meinheimer, "Macho Man" Randy Savage and J-Pac were simultaneously eliminated from the Ultimate Survivors match. Frustrated, Macho took his anger out on his fellow eliminatee. J-Pac has stressed the need he feels to win the Laugh Like Pee-wee match and get another shot against Brock Lesnar for the title, but Macho Man had other ideas. Savage felt that as United States Champion, he deserves a title match more than anyone else. Although both competitors made good arguments for their inclusion, Commissioner Barkley informed them that there was only enough room for one of them in the 30-man contest. With that, it was decided that the two will square off for the final spot in the over-the-top-rope Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Will Randy Savage prove to be more macho or will The Infinity Kid have his number? Results On one of the most eventful days of the year, we saw many twists and turns at Laugh Like Pee-wee. The road to Diaz's Fuck Fest X is already taking shape, starting with the events of this afternoon. Opening things up, "Macho Man" Randy Savage and J-Pac competed for a spot in the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match. The two battled in a fast-paced competition that saw them put it all on a line for thespot in the coveted match. In the end, however, J-Pac had Macho's number and earned himself an entry number into the Pee-wee as well. Macho, infuriated, ranted on about deserving to be in title matches more than anyone. Newly-crowned WWE Champion Brock Lesnar put his title on the line against one of the men he defeated earlier this month to win the gold, Ricardo Diaz. During the course of this championship match-up, Macho Man interjected himself into the action. But in the end, it was Lesnar who came out on top. The WPW "Problem Eliminator" quickly grabbed a microphone and declared that if Charles Barkley doesn't put him in the Laugh Like Pee-wee match he'll just do it himself. Next up, Dynamite Derek and The Red Head of The Justice Bros challenged World Tag Team Champions Feel the Burn with the titles on the line. After weeks of sticking up for the unorthodox Red Head, The Justice Bros finally managed to capture the belts and dethrone the long-reigning champion. The two celebrated their victory, but Red Head swiftly tossed his title on the ground and walked away, leaving Dynamite Derek befuddled. In his first title defense, Razor Ramon put the gold on the line against RVD. Although it took three Razor's Edges, Macho Man once again interfering in the bout had to play a role in Van Dam's downfall. Nevertheless, Razor retained the World Heavyweight Championship. As the next match was about to commence, it was discovered that Brock Lesnar had attacked Mankind immediately after he drew his Laugh Like Pee-wee number. The attack rendered him apparently unable to compete, with the WWE Champion taken the spot off of his hands. In another battle of seemingly unstoppable forces, Vigo the Carpathian took on the Eight Wonder of the World, Andre the Giant. Andre withstood two Tombstone Piledrivers. However, it was once again Vigo's devastating chokehold that brought the giant down. Vigo remains undefeated, and one has to wonder if the streak can ever be beaten. With that, it was time for the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Entering at #1, the man who vowed to bury all 29 opponents, Triple H. #2, however, made that a very difficult task as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin squared off with The King of Kings. Competitors tried their might to seize victory in the biggest match of the year, with a good amount of lengthy outings including Holiday Hogan and DEFAULT. But in the end, the match-up came down to Big Show, Sheamus, Prankster Ben, and Ultimate Warrior. Big Show, who once again eliminated a record number of combatants, tossed both Sheamus and Warrior to the floor. With the two big men out of the way, Show refocused his attention on the Captain Carl-dressed Prankster Ben. After taking numerous slaps from the honey-baked ham hands of giant Big Show, Prankster Ben managed to muster up all of the energy he had left to push the colossal competitor over the top rope. With that, Prankster Ben had punched his ticket for the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest X. Testimonials In the weeks leading up the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match, we'll talk to a number of the entrants and get their thoughts on what could be the biggest Pee-wee in history. DEFAULT: "It goes without saying that 2013 wasn't exactly my year. Every opportunity I had to win back the World Heavyweight Title was destroyed by my father. What happened to him may not have been just, but his sudden leave of absence has taken a massive weight off of my shoulders. In 2014, I will claw my way straight back to the top. It was a long fall, so I'd better get to clawing, starting with Laugh Like Pee-wee." JBL: "DCR, do ya know what's better than money?" DCR: "Nothing?" JBL: "Ha-HAH! That's my boy! But lemme tell ya somethin', winning is a close second. And either way ya cut it, one of us is gonna win the Pee-wee." DCR: "Those other 28 aren't so 20-great if you ask me!" JBL: "At Laugh Like Pee-wee, you boys don't stand a chance. Our stock is gonna rise and one of us will be left standin' after the bell." Dusty Rhodes: "Oh yes, baby! It's January once again and the snow is fallin'. But at Laugh Like Pee-wee, 29 other boys is gonna be fallin', if you will. That's because The American Dream is gonna be winning the whole thing and leave y'all seein' spots. And I don't mean these polka dots!" Wrestler: Unstoppable: "Ya know Walter P. Wiley? He died. But WPW is still goin' strong. Brock Lesnar is the champion now. And after I win the Laugh Like Pee-wee, I'm gonna go to The Fest and become the new World Heavyweight Champion. Just like me, WPW is gonna be Unstoppable." Eddie Guerrero: "Órale, holmes! Remember when I said I might be too hurt to make it to the Pee-wee? I lied, esse! As for the 29 other pendejos, I have two other things I need to mark off the checklist. And if Carlito thinks he's pulling a fast one of me again, I'll replace that apple in his mouth with my boot. Viva la raza!" Josh the Cat: "Meeeeow. Forgive me, you caught me during my afternoon cat nap. I've been scratching and clawing for a title opportunity ever since I made my return, but it seems that everyone's taking the spray bottle to me so far. But at Laugh Like Pee-wee, I plan on pouncing at the first chance I get to throw any of the other 29 over the top rope. The way I see it, that ring is just a big litter box. And I'm going to be the one to scoop the litter out of the ring and onto the floor." Chewbacca: "GGGGGAAAAAAARRRRR!" Stone Cold: "30-men? One ring? Laugh Like Pee-wee? AH-HAH HAH HAH! (blank stare) What? 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin? In the Laugh Like Pee-wee? 29 other guys? Over the top rope? Stone Cold goin' over the top rope? EH-EH! I don't care if it's DEFAULT. DCR. Chewbacca. Hell, I'll stomp a mudhole in Conky 2000's ass and walk it dry! Stone Cold is goin' to that ring, throwing 29 other pieces of trash out, and main eventing Diaz's Fuck Fest X. And that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so!" Over the course of the week, we once again had the opportunity to get a few statements from a few of the 30 entrants in the upcoming Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Ultimate Warrior: "(snarling) YOU must travel to the highest mountaintops thirty times! Battle with sharks in the deepest oceans and seize thirty of their jagged teeth! Only then can you call yourselves worthy to win this monumental battle. As the Warriors give me the strength to endure this combat against time, you will see the Ultimate Warrior standing in victory!!!" Tiger: "In 2013, I didn't have a single win to my name. And it got me thinking, former World champions don't go winless for a year. How could I find a way to get myself back to that point and rediscover my animal instincts? When suddenly, I won the answer to my problems in a random drawing at an indie show. This mask. As I put it on, it's as if the power of thunder has been placed right in my hand. From now on, you can call me Jushin Tiger. And I'm the man who will be winning the Laugh Like Pee-wee match." Mark Jindrak: "Chris Jericho: the greatest thing to ever come out of Canada. (unraveling list) Better than maple syrup. Better than the word 'Eh'. Better than Alanis Morissette." Chris Jericho: You know, Jindrick, you're absolutely right. I am the best damn thing to ever come out of Canada and everybody knows it. And if anyone wants to dispute it, they can tell me next Sunday at Laugh Like Pee-wee...where I'll lock them in the Walls of Jericho until they cry and then send them flying over the top rope. I am better than Canada, better than everyone else in that Laugh Like Pee-wee, better than the entire world." Mark Jindrak: "Haha, yeah we're better than all of you!" Chris Jericho: "Shut up, Jindrick!" Big Show: "You know, I started off the Laugh Like Pee-wee last year and I lasted longer than anyone else did in the entire match. But that was before I had this...okay, I had this fist last year but I wasn't utilizing it as much. But this year, I plan on knocking out all 29 other entrants and tossing them up to the guys in the cheap seats. It's Show time!" Sheamus: "Oy fella, I walked into last year's Laugh Like Pee-wee having already competed earlier in the evening. I stood there and told everyone at that moment that I was about to go on and win the Laugh Like Pee-wee. Nobody wanted to believe me, but I proved them wrong. This year, I become the first fella to do the same two years in a row. As for Razor Ramon and RVD, I don't care which one of you arseholes leaves with the title. I will be coming to get her back and you'd best prepare for a fight." Tajiri: "Walter had a very big fall, but WPW is alive and well. I, Intercontinental Champion, Tajiri will become the first WPW member to win the Laugh Like Pee-wee. We're stronger than ever now that dead weight is gone. Goldust and Count Out don't have chance to win because they could never get the job done. Tajiri will be number one!" Goldust: "So...Tajiri wants to doubt me. Well...Tajiri can...he can...I'm sorry, I can't do this. This interview is over." Triple H: "30 men, one ring. One of those men may wear a crown, but he's far from the King of Kings. As for the rest of you, come talk to me when you've never lost a single match in SvR06 history. I buried Sylvain Grenier and The Undertaker alive, I outperformed Bret Hart on the biggest stage and put him out with a simple headlock. Now, I'm going to bury every single last one of you so-called men that steps through those ropes and thinks they can go toe-to-toe with The Game at Laugh Like Pee-wee. The floor is your grave and I'm the one holding the shovel." We're mere days away from Laugh Like Pee-wee, and the 30-man battle has filled to the brim. With that said, let's hear from the final group of entrants heading into Sunday. Carlito: "You want to know what isn't cool? Having to compete against 29 losers for a title shot. Carlito doesn't have to earn a title match. He gets one when he asks for it. The longest reigning champion in the history of SvR06 doesn't have to fight nobodies. He faces whoever he wants. But come to think of it, Carlito could break a new record when he eliminates every single person in that Laugh Like Pee-wee. Now that...that'll be cool." British Bulldog: "The last time the British Bulldog was in a match like this was last year. In fact, this Sunday, I'll have competed in more Laugh Like Pee-wee matches than anyone in history. And what a thrill it would be for me to celebrate by disposing of every last opponent who steps in the ring. Be ready, gentlemen, because this bulldog's bite is louder than his bark. I'm winning the Laugh Like Pee-wee, this Sunday, because I'm bizarre!" Booker T: "Yo dawg, it's the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee. And for every one of y'all I toss out of that ring, I'll do a spinaroonie! Which means I'll be doing 29 spinaroonies on Sunday and then go on to headline the biggest Fest in history. Now CAN...YOU...DIG...THAT.....sucka." The Kingpin: "The King of Kings? Bah! Only one sits on the throne in this kingdom and that would be I! Henceforth, January 26th will be recognized as a holiday. The day the king slayed 29 other peasants and left none standing. Laugh Like Pee-wee will be held in remembrance and rechristened Global Kingpin Day. Bow down to me, lowly mortals, for I am your ruler!" Count Out: "I haven't heard much from my good friend Goldust in the past few days, but I am certain he will be there on Sunday for the Laugh Like Pee-wee. We're going to prove Tajiri wrong and show that we don't need WPW to be winners. You all had better bring your garlic and crucifixes because I'm going to suck all of you until you have nothing left to fill my mouth with!" Prankster Ben: "Skates, do we have anything going on on Sunday?" Prankster Skates: "Uh, let me check my to-do list. Give Buck a bath, eat Chinese food in the bath, eat Chinese food in the bath with Buck, win the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Nope, just an average Sunday." Prankster Ben: "Wait, what was that last one you said?" Prankster Skates: "...bath?" Prankster Ben: "Now I remember This Sunday is Laugh Like Pee-wee. 30 men, one ring. That's right, I was going to win that thing and main event Diaz's Fuck Fest X. I mean, it shouldn't be too hard. You know, I was a surprise entrant in the 2011 one. Pretty sure I tossed you out of that one too." Prankster Skates: "Did you?" Prankster Ben: "I don't know, the records of that one got sucked into the vortex along with Macho and Jericho." Prankster Skates: "You know, if you get eliminated then the guy who tosses you gets your Hardcore belt, right?" Prankster Ben: "I'm aware of this." Prankster Skates: "Well since I owe you one from a couple years ago, I think I might just be taking that Hardcore Title off of your hands this Sunday." Prankster Ben: "You're going to toss me out? You couldn't toss a salad!" Prankster Skates: "That's what you think! You'd better watch your back at Pee-wee." Prankster Ben: "You watch your back!" Mankind: "I may have fewer teeth than there are people in this match...BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF SOMEONE SAYS I CAN'T WIN IT! I've endured countless hours of pain my whole life. What's one more hour going to hurt? If it means being wrapped in barbed wire, slammed on thumbtacks, HAVING MY OTHER EAR RIPPED FROM MY SKULL...I'm going to win this over-the-top-rope Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Then I'll be the one having a nice day." Holiday Hogan: "Hallelujah and holy shit, brother! I was just settling down in Venice Beach after delivering Thunder Mixers to all the good little Holi-maniacs out there when I started having letters written to me from far and wide, man. All the little Holisters kept asking me, 'Holiday Hogan, are you going to be in this year's Laugh Like Pee-wee match?' As I sat their exhausted from the holiday season, I almost had to decline. But then I heard The Queenpin say that he was going to make Sunday a global holiday! And boy, did that make my red and green blood boil, man! Those 29 dudes better be drinking their milk, eating their cookies, and writing their wishlists because I'm officially entering myself in that match, brother! And whatcha gonna do when Holiday Ho-Ho-Hogan runs wild on you!"